ALETU
ANNA: What have you learned from the women in your family?
ALETU: I’ve learned to be a social animal. I’ve also absorbed things unconsciously like attitudes, little gestures maybe to move my hands a certain way or have a particular look in my eyes.
A: Tell me more about this idea of being a social animal.
AL: I feel more like a woman when I’m a social animal, when I give attention to relationships. For years, I thought I was better off alone, but I realized that’s not the case. These things also tie into some personal themes of mine, about my idea of femininity...
A: Tell me about it.
AL: Even now, I sometimes struggle to fully feel like a woman, but not because it’s a matter of gender. It’s just that, until a few years ago, I felt like I was kind of a hermaphrodite—not really male or female, more like an in-between creature.I’ve realized that the essence of my femininity isn’t in the adornments I put on my body, like hypothetical earrings or things like that; It’s in my nature, which is deeply social and includes wanting to bring happiness to others.
I find it easier to imagine myself that way, more rounded... Not that this is rooted in some binary idea of gender, but I think this characteristic has a lot to do with my sense of femininity.
A: What held you back from this realization? Were you afraid?
AL: It’s honestly a real mess being a woman in a society that constantly gives you conflicting answers about who you are and what you should do. For example, I alternated between wanting to have a beautiful, rounded body and feeling proud of being an in-between creature. Another factor is that for us women, I think the body plays a huge role in identity. When I try to change my body, I’m also trying to stabilize my identity. Because if one tries to change just their identity in a society so full of contrasts—thin, fat, beautiful, ugly they try to apply some sense of control...
A: What kind of woman would you like to be?
AL: A woman who never leaves anyone behind. I think that’s why I chose to study psychology. I would never want to be one of those people you can’t tell that one morning you don’t feel like getting out of bed..
You know... a woman who sometimes even wears her sweater inside out, who bakes for others, maybe bread.
A: What have you learned from your friends?
AL: That so many things are actually just really funny. I mean, a lot of things that seem tragic to us can actually become funny if you talk about them over a beer. I’ve also learned that I can talk about anything, every time, I wonder, “Will this hold or not hold?” the network of love and friendship and so far, it’s always held.
I’ve realized it’s okay to show vulnerability and to open up completely.
A: Has psychology helped you learn about these aspects of your identity?
AL: Yes. For example, I think about disorders that actually originate in the social system. Almost all dermatological illnesses, for instance, rarely have biological causes; they’re almost always social, 99% of childhood illnesses are skin-related; this is a subconscious attempt to be touched, to be hugged by someone... to not be alone.
A: What are your little gestures of freedom?
AL: I live freedom close to my vision of womanhood, like the message of Iranian women: “Women, Life, Freedom” the freedom to not conform, starting with small things. For example, I wear mismatched socks because I’m free to do it, sometimes, I take a shower with my socks on because I like the sensation of the water’s weight...
I feel free when I drink a nice glass of milk as a snack and I feel free when I let myself sway with the waves of the sea...